Three Core Skills
Urgent and unrelenting crises of your loved one can leave you and others in the family feeling chronically overwhelmed. Preventing escalation is the most important set of relationship skills you can develop.
Skill #1. Breathe.
If you cannot manage your own reactions and stop your emotions from escalating, how can you expect your loved one to do so? Make a firm commitment to remain calm when your loved one is insistently demanding, threatening, or blaming you for their distress. A slow, long, conscious exhale can open the door to greater emotional stability and increased comfort with the power of silent listening and silent response. The Breathe skill includes:
· Pause. Breathe. Bring your attention to your inner experience. Close your eyes if it helps.
· Take a deep breath and on the exhale, notice if you can let go of any physical tension.
· If you are standing, it will help to sit. If you are sitting, try to lean back and relax into your chair.
· Let go of tension in your jaw, throat, and shoulders with each exhale.
· Exhale like this as many times as you need.
· When you talk, speak slowly in a calm, and relaxed voice.
Our inner experience is not where our attention naturally goes when we are in the presence of a threat. In this state our attention naturally goes to the source of threat and seeks an escape without much awareness of the physical sensations of the distress. Bringing your attention to your breath on a regular basis will help you recognize your distress instead of acting it out. (If you have difficulty managing your anxiety, fear, or anger in these situations, you may need to use additional distress tolerance skills).
Do not dismiss or skip over this skill! Practice everyday in conversation with everyone. Why is this so important? If you automatically respond to your loved one out of fear or anger, you are likely to escalate their emotional dysregulation. If you are centered and grounded, you will be far better equipped to respond effectively and prevent escalation of conflict.
Skill #2. Reflect Back
First you have to understand and remember what another person's experience is, so you have to stop talking, stop worrying about how to respond, and pay closer attention to the other. Your judgments and opinions will interfere with your ability to listen clearly. If they leak out, they will escalate conflict. Commit yourself again and again to listening without judgment and trying to understand your loved one's perspective. Then you can make sure you understand the facts by reflecting back what you are hearing, seeing, and understanding. Repeat what your loved one said in your own words and ask if you got it right. Don't interrupt. Practice the skill of reflecting back when you:
· Restate something that "makes sense" to you, that seems "understandable," or that is "correct." (The goal is to expand reasonable thinking, not to shut down unreasonable thinking--which won't work and will probably make the situation worse).
· Find one key word that resonates and use that to reflect back something that you observe about your loved one's experience regarding what they are telling you. "That sounds..." hard, difficult, frustrating, disappointing, stressful, distressing, uncomfortable, or any other word you heard your loved one use. If you have a lot of trouble with this, write down these six general words and keep them in mind. Try the one that you think is the best fit only after deeply listening.
· If your loved one insists you must agree with other points, you can gently express confusion, uncertainty, or a desire to think about it and discuss it later.
Let go of the worries about how this might backfire. Many families have a long history of competing over who is "right" and who is "wrong." If you are afraid that one nod of agreement will be interpreted to mean that you agree with everything the other person said, let that go. Your fear of future blame and criticism gets you out of the present moment and being effective. With warmth and kindness, you can find something that makes sense, seems understandable, or is correct and remain focused.
Reflecting back has to come from a genuine heart-felt intention to understand and to respond effectively. Then, if you get some pushback, perhaps because you are responding differently or your loved one is in an emotional mind, your response can be even more heartfelt.
Imagine that your loved one responds, "Stop being a parrot," or "What do you know?" Or even, "Why are you talking like a therapist?" If you are deeply listening and honestly trying to understand, a natural response is to be genuine and go even deeper, "This is important and I really want to make sure I get it." or "Hey, as I listen to you, I can see how this situation is really frustrating."
Practice listening deeply and finding a "grain of truth" to reflect back when you are with friends or family. Try it out with your loved one when they are relatively calm. When your loved one is demanding or threatening, that is not the time to begin the practice, so don't wait!
Skill #3. Take a break
If you practice Exhale and Reflect Back and it seems that emotions remain high or are escalating, it is time to step back. A "break" might be ten minutes or ten hours. If you can separate yourself from your loved one for just ten minutes, both of you will be less emotionally activated.
If you are emotionally dysregulated or reactive, that will escalate conflict. If your loved one is emotionally dysregulated In some families, this is not difficult. It might be easy to say, "I need to take a break. Let's talk about this after dinner," and leave the room. On the other hand, you may be frozen with fear of an angry explosion and feel incapable of getting away.
The "Bathroom Break" is a good way to start small. The bathroom break is a way to step away. “Listen, I really have to go to the bathroom. Give me two minutes. What you are saying is important. I will be right back.” It is hard to argue with that, even if someone is angry. In the bathroom, splash your face with cold water while holding your breath, then take a few breaths, exhaling slowly. Look in the mirror and relax your jaw, neck, and shoulders. Give them a squeeze or a brief massage. Stretch your neck and arms. If it seems appropriate, upon leaving the bathroom, “Hey, I am thirsty and need some water. Do you want any?” Bring two glasses of water, even if they say no, in case they change their mind.
Your loved one has just had to practice tolerating their distress alone for a few minutes. Notice if their level of distress has gone down any. This is huge. Reward that with your attention, a glass of water, and communicate your gratitude. “Thanks for your patience; I really appreciate it.” If your loved one dives back into the argument, try to kick the discussion forward (“Can we talk more about this after dinner?”). Maybe you could change the subject"I was wondering, how has your work has been going?"
Download a summary of these skills and check each one off as you practice. Practice all of them again and again. Good luck!